IMMORTAL DIALOGUE
And You Call Yourself a Scientist! Home | Index

from The Creeping Flesh (1972)

Famous last words: I’m a scientist, not a madman.

Relieved scientist: The serum! Thank God we didn’t use it on a human being!
Guilty scientist: Errr...

Assistant: The experiments on the patients prove nothing. They’re already insane. Until you can artificially cause insanity, you can prove nothing.
Mad doctor: Well, unfortunately, in the state of society today, we are not permitted to experiment on human beings. Normal human beings.

Assistant: I don’t know. It is a question of professional ethics--
Mad doctor: Oh, indeed, indeed. That is why I shall have to employ someone for whom ethics have no significance.

from Curse of the Swamp Creature

Scientist:  You seem to have forgotten that I want no visitors. No-one must enter the swamp! Whoever attempts to enter the swamp – if they get by the quicksand – I want you to stop them! My work must be protected! Keep all strangers out of my swamp!

Bar girl:  Nice to meet you, Mr West!
Oilman:  Call me ‘Driscoll’!
Bar girl:  You look lonely.
Oilman:  And you can cure that?
Bar girl:  I can try!
Oilman:  Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness.
Bar girl:  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
            [Some women just don’t know an insult when they hear one, do they?]

First conspirator:  What about the body?
Second conspirator:  Remember that – stump-cutter they used to clear the swamps out with…?

First goon:  He gets seconds and coffee, while we do all the work!
Second goon:  That’s what a college education does for ya!

Scientist:  I’m glad you question my work, Tom. If I hadn’t questioned my teacher’s work, I wouldn’t be here today.
Student:  Yes, sir.
Scientist:  Man has to find the answers, right?
Student:  Of course. But it gets to me…. Well, sir, in med school we used animals----
Scientist:  The best study of man is man himself. Now, this isn’t an ivory tower! Get back to the laboratory! I want to see your work tonight!

Student:  Doctor, I’ve mastered it! Look at that!
Scientist:  I agree! That gill transplant is as fine as any I can do! Very good!
Student:  Do you believe that we can do the gill transplant on other animals as well as we did on the crocodiles?
Scientist:  Possibly.
Student:  Doctor, I was thinking: just the work you’ve done with the crocodiles, in taking them back along the evolutionary path and making them into fish would be enough to win you world acclaim!
Scientist:  Yes, but – acclaim - ? That’s nothing! To create life! To move it at will up and down the evolutionary path! That’s – something!

Scientist: You’re ready. Awake! The sound of my voice is your master!  Get up! Get up! The world awaits you as my first citizen!

Scientist’s wife:  You killed Tom!
Scientist:  Tom is not dead! Now, you listen: Tom is not dead! He volunteered for the final experiment.
Scientist’s wife:  Oh! That’s a lie! He’d never volunteer for that! Who’d want to be turned into one of your pet monsters?
Scientist:  [slapping her]  Don’t you ever say that! You’ve always been too young and too stupid to understand my work!

Scientist:  I’m afraid, my dear, that you’re going to put me in a very bad position.
Scientist’s wife:  Then why don’t you just kill me right now?
Scientist:  Kill you? I’ve no intention of – killing you.
            [Mwoo-ha-ha!]

Scientist:  Well, Tom – at last you’re going to make a contribution to science! Everyone has his place in the field of research. Tom? Tom, are you listening? Nod your head if you are! You'’e doing fine -–fine! You’re strong. You can stay under water indefinitely. You’re almost bulletproof! I’m envious of you, Tom! Hmm? Are you hungry? How clumsy of me! Let me get you a snack! [He hands ‘Tom’ a turtle] Here, boy! Here!

Scientist:  You’re ready to come off the preserver, and make your debut – my beautiful, indestructible fishman!

Scientist:  How can you look for oil without equipment – seismographs, drilling equipment?
Geologist:  Well – it’s not easy.

Scientist:  We have a great deal in common! You’re looking for the result of the evolutionary process, and I am investigating – the evolution process.

Geologist:  What are you working on?
Scientist:  Are you familiar with the Oceana theory of evolution?
Geologist:  Uh-huh. Seems to me it’s, uh, s-something about, uh – land life from the sea?
Scientist:  That’s the theory. Specifically, what makes it so important in my mind is that it deals with the evolution of man from the reptiles. For example – sea creatures, simple land creatures, snake-like reptiles, alligator-like reptiles, the dinosaurs – and somewhere along the line, man!
Goon:  You mean man hasn’t descended from the apes, but from snakes!?
Scientist:  Ritchie, that’s it in a nutshell! I happen to believe in the basic theory. The swamps provide me with the necessary forms of life to investigate: alligators, snakes, fish – and so forth….
            [Mwoo-ha-ha!]

Scientist:  She did it, Tom! She turned off the preserver machine before you were ready! Everything was going beautifully! For the first time, everything was controlled! Live, Tom! Live! Breathe! Breathe! Breathe! BREATHE!!

Scientist:  You’re a perfect subject for the new derivatives! My dear Mrs West, I believe you will be an instantaneous transmutation!

from Deep Core (2000)

Female scientist:  We take the Series II vehicle from the Hainan facility; we dig three deep core wells, here, here and here. That should vent the tectonic pressure and stabilise the plates---
Male scientist:  You gotta be kidding me!
Female scientist:  You know, I don’t have to take this---
Male scientist:  You just breached the mantle! Look, the earth’s core is like an engine, okay? – and it’s whining full out in neutral. If you drill those holes--- What’d you call them? Vents? You might as well call them afterburners! You’ve just created directional propulsion, like a jet – only you’ve dropped the engine from neutral down to drive. You’ve just accelerated the hell out of what you started!

Female scientist:  Okay, Mr Wizard---
Male scientist:  That’s Doctor Wizard to you!

Female scientist:  A nuclear bomb! Are you out of your mind!?
Male scientist:  No, not ‘a’ nuclear bomb: we need a series of them; we need synchronised detonation at precise seams along the plate.
Evil corporate type:  How do you propose to set off a synchronised detonation?
Female scientist:  You daisy-chain them with fibre optics.
Male scientist:  And that should initiate a sub-tectonic wave form which should---
Female scientist:  Shift the Pacific plates several miles in a few minutes! Do you have any idea what that will do!?
Male scientist:  It should drive the plates right into the Java Trench.
Female scientist:  And that would cool the mantle!
Male scientist:  Exactly!

Male scientist:  What’s that flange for?
Female scientist:  You know, I don’t know. That’s one of the modifications for the Chinese specs.
Male scientist:  No, you’ve misunderstood my question. Let me re-phrase: what is a flange with seatings for explosive bolts doing on the back of a USDM?
Female scientist:  They said something about a cargo hold.
Male scientist:  What would a drilling machine need a cargo hold for?
Female scientist:  Look – it was an easy alteration, so I made it. Okay?
            [I hope MIT is proud of her]

And with the end of the world imminent:
Male scientist:  Look, there’s no time to work out the details with those guys in there! It’s either my team or no team – or you can put Saunders here in charge!
Female scientist:  Oh, you don’t think that I could be in charge?
Evil corporate type:  Look, that was never an option. If you can’t even get on with him now, we’re not going to have a team.
Female scientist:  Fine! Then I’m not on the team!
Evil corporate type:  Oh, look, don’t---
Female scientist:  No, no! I’ll be in my quarters!
            [Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen….]

Female scientist:  The U-joint is toast.
Male scientist:  How long’s it going to take?
Female scientist:  Twenty, twenty-five minutes.
Male scientist: Tell you what: you make if fifteen, and Mr Wizard will show you his favourite magic trick.
Female scientist:  I thought that was Doctor Wizard?

from The Demon Seed (1977)

Scientist: At the risk of being simplistic, what you’re looking at is a quasi-neural matrix of synthetic RNA molecules.

from The Devil Bat (1941)

Mad doctor: [addressing his giant bat] Ah, my friend! Our theory of glandular stimulation through electrical impulses was correct!

Mad doctor: Aren’t you curious about my new formula?
Victim #1: Yes, of course, but I didn’t want to be inquisitive. What is it?
Mad doctor: A new shaving lotion. Smell it!
Victim #1: Pretty strong, isn’t it?
Mad doctor: No, no! The scent evaporates a short time after you’ve used it. Try a few drops. Now, rub it here, on the tender part of your neck! Soothing, isn’t it?
Victim #1: Yes! When will it be ready for the market?
Mad doctor: Oh, it’s still in the experimental stage. I want to try it out on several people first, and see if it works!
Victim #1: Well, if you’d like to send me a bottle, I’d be glad to try it out. Goodnight, Doctor.
Mad doctor: Goodbye, Roy!

Apologetic woman: Look, Don, I’ve loved you a long time, ever since we were kids – but I’m afraid it’s been more like a sister.
Rejected suitor: Well! I had no idea you felt that way!

Editor: Say, have you ever had a date with a girl?
Reporter: A girl? Oh, yes, a girl! I believe I did take a girl out once.
Editor: Well, did she smell sweet?
Reporter: Of course she smelled sweet! Most girls do!
Editor: Well, that’s because of Martin Heath Cosmetics, Ltd. They make all that goo that the women put on their faces so they won’t have to wash with soap and water!

Young woman: Oh, here comes Dr Carruthers! Hello, Doctor.
Mad doctor: Hello, Mary! I took a shortcut from my laboratory through a garden hedge!
[Thank you for sharing that with us….]

Young woman: What do you think of Dr Carruther’s theory about a wild animal, Mr Layton?
Reporter: Well, frankly, I don’t think much of it.
Mad doctor: I can’t say that I blame you. But I, as a scientist, take many things into consideration that a layman might overlook!

Photographer: A little more chiffon, baby!
French maid: I do not understand!
Photographer: Aw, you know what I mean! A little more of your stocking!
French maid: [raising her skirt] Like this?
Photographer: Sure I like ‘em! Who wouldn’t?

Photographer: I’ll be back in a minute, Frenchie! And don’t worry none about those werewolves, ‘cause nothin’s gunna harm ya while I’m around!
French maid: You make Maxine feel so calm – my big, brave journalist!

Victim #2: That feels great! Very soothing!
Mad doctor: I don’t think you’ll ever use anything else!

Reporter: You, my friend, are going to get a shot of the Devil Bat in action!
Photographer: Who, me? How?
Reporter: Have you noticed there’s a taxidermist’s shop in the village?
Photographer: Well, you wouldn’t suggest that I go out and stuff a bird, would you?
Reporter: One-Shot! To think that you would even hint that I would suggest you get the village taxidermist to build you a nice, big bat for pictorial purposes! Besides, a bat isn’t a bird, it’s a mammal.
Photographer: Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place? Where is this bird-stuffing emporium?

Radio broadcaster: I have as my guest in the studio Professor Percival Garland Rains, perhaps the world’s greatest authority on animal life! I am going to interview Professor Rains on the subject of the Devil Bat. Our radio audience can draw its own conclusion. Professor Rains, first let me ask you point blank, do you believe that any such creature as the Devil Bat exists?
Expert: I do not! In the Dark Ages, when men and women lived in caves, there may have existed a bat of this size, but not in this day and age!
[Yup – he’s an expert, all right!]

Police chief: If you suspect Carruthers, you’re barking up the wrong tree, Johnny. He’s the last man in this town that would harm anyone. Why, everybody loves him!
Reporter: Maybe so, but here’s something else I dug out! The Heath and Morton fortunes are based on a greaseless cold-cream formula that Carruthers invented!
[Well, I’m convinced….]

Police chief: Our police chemists couldn’t break down one of the ingredients. We thought perhaps you could.
Mad doctor: Why, I compounded this myself! It’s a new shaving lotion I’m experimenting with! The ingredient your chemists couldn’t break down I discovered years ago in Tibet.
Reporter: How did you happen to put it in a shaving lotion?
Mad doctor: Oh, the lamas use it in some of their religious rites as a perfume!

Expert: I was still sceptical when I came to Heathville today to examine the body of this so-called "Devil Bat". But after seeing it personally, and making exhaustive research, I have arrived at the conclusion that the creature is the lone survivor of a type of giant bat that existed in great numbers during the early part of the Neolithic Age! Perhaps I should explain for the benefit of some of our listeners that the Neolithic Age is that period of antiquity commonly called the "Stone Age"….
[Yup – he’s an expert, all right!]

Mad doctor: Rub a few drops on your face!
Victim #4: Well, I’d rather wait until after I shave. Then my skin will be more tender and receptive to a lotion.
Mad doctor: Well, ah--- Just a little, here. The texture of the skin there is always very delicate!

Victim #4: You never know what’s going to happen in this business!
Mad doctor: You can believe me, Henry: you don’t have to worry!

Victim #4: I’ve been going over the report of the company’s annual earnings. A net profit of over a million dollars! Not bad, eh? – when you remember what we built on: a mere ten thousand dollars for your formula! You shouldn’t have demanded all cash, Doc. You should have ridden along with us. Then you’d be rich, too! Ah, but then, you’ve had a lot of fun in your laboratory, with your experiments, dreaming up something new. You’re a dreamer, Doc. Too much money’s bad for dreamers!
[Just call him "Mr Tact"….]

Victim #4: Your nerves are frayed, Doc. Now, calm down – get a grip on yourself! You’ve been working too hard on your formula!
Mad doctor: Formula! That’s but child’s play for a great scientist! Your brain is too feeble to conceive what I accomplished in the world of science!

Victim #4: I think I’ve got a clue to all those murders! It may peter out, but if half what I suspect is true, it’s the most diabolical plot that a madman ever concocted!

Reporter: Tell me, Doc: how did you develop a monster bat like that?
Mad doctor: You wouldn’t understand the scientific theory!

from The Devil Doll (1936)

Male mad scientist: You’ve been working! I knew it by the howling of the dogs!

Male mad scientist: I know our mistake now! It came to me one night in that cesspool of stupid minds.
Female mad scientist: Marcel! Marcel!
Male mad scientist: No more failures, Malita! The next one will have a perfect brain!

Banker: Why, it feels warm! Almost flesh and bone – like the real animal.
Mad scientist: It is! Eight hours ago it was a full-grown St Bernard! Ah, you think I’m mad…. The world would think so too, if they knew what I was going to do. Lavond, my friend, millions of years ago the creatures that roamed this world were gigantic. As they multiplied, the Earth could no longer produce enough food. Think of it, Lavond! Every living creature reduced to one sixth its size! One sixth its physical need! Food for six times all of us! Lavond! You know that all matter is composed of atoms?
Banker: Yes, yes, of course I know.
Mad scientist: And all atoms are made of electrons?
Banker: Yes, I know.
Mad scientist: Well, I’ve found a way to reduce all atoms in a body simultaneously, to any desired degree, and still maintain life, as in this little dog.
Banker: Well, then, the dog should be alive.
Mad scientist: It is! It is! Only, in reducing the brain, all records were wiped off! No memory left! No will of its own!

Male mad scientist: [looking at the housemaid] Malita, where did you get her?
Female mad scientist: In a Berlin slum. She’s an inbred peasant half-wit.

Female mad scientist: Marcel is dead!
Banker: Poor tortured brain! Well, perhaps it’s better this way….

Banker: This is like some horrible dream! I don’t want any part of this! Restore her to what she was!
Female mad scientist: No ! She will always remain small! Small! We can make the whole world small, as Marcel wanted!

Female mad scientist: It might be safer to take him downstairs and make him small…?
Banker: He already is small, in mind. In fact, Malita, if most men were reduced to the dimensions of their mentality, Marcel’s plan wouldn’t be necessary.

Police chief: I wouldn’t get too upset about that note, M. Matin. Probably not for you at all. Just some – religious fanatic. The city’s full of them around Christmas.